It's Not Suppose to Be Easy.....

.......that's why it feels so f***ing good. (Awolnation)

It's been a tough week. When I got back from Kansas City I suddenly became very anxious and nervous about moving so far away. I would move to the moon with D if that's where we needed to live and I know it's all going to work out, but still, it's very scary for me. New York is a whole new world and a completely different lifestyle. I've always thought that once you are west of St. Louis it's as if everything slows down and life is at a normal (although fast at times) pace. In New York you have the option to do anything you want, at just about any hour of the day. We aren't living in New York City and things do close where we live, but drive 20 minutes either way and I am sure we could find something if we needed something. We are going from a town of 2500 to a town of 203,000....and don't forget about the other 7.3 million people around us on Long Island. I think both D and I hope to maintain somewhat of our laid back lifestyle. Early on when we were talking about moving I told her that we could turn our home in NY into a little oasis from the world right outside. With the house we bought, I know that is something we can do. We love the neighborhood that the house is in too. We drove around a little the last time we were there and when you leave our  house if you go in one direction that leads you to town and just about any store that you could want and if you go in the other direction you continue into our neighborhood that is sidewalk lined with big beautiful trees. It's the best of both worlds.

So back to tough week....by Friday of last week I was so miserable and just didn't want to deal with anyone or anything. When I get scared or anxious, I tend to turn inward and escape into my own world. I start thinking about things and before I know it I am a complete mess. Last Saturday we went to Denver and I was not appropriate to be in  public. My wife is a saint and put up with me and just let me work through whatever I was going through. I couldn't tell her what was wrong (because I didn't know) so she was wonderful and was patient until I could say what was upsetting me. She then got to work and helped me get back to a more peaceful center. Monday we decided to go to the hot springs and I know that helped and got some of those toxins out of my body. We plan on going back to the hot springs before we leave because I know we will both need it in a few weeks. D reminded me that there is lithium in the hot spring water, so that explains why I always come away so relaxed I am like a limp rag.

Since I was starting to feel better, I spent Tuesday and Wednesday packing everything I could. We are down to the stuff that we use on a regular basis for packing. There are zero options for take out so we are still having to use a lot of our kitchen things. After 5 years in a town with almost no restaurant options and one really bad grocery store, you run out of things to eat and to fix. This last month or so of us being here I feel like I am starving. I know all the good food that lies ahead of us in New York (another reminder to find a good gym there) but right now it seems so far away because nothing I am eating here in Colorado is satisfying my need for good food.

The last few months in pictures

Our new home sweet home

The new view out the front window

Little Love is always calm and easy going

Lizzy enjoying the lake in July

Beautiful Colorado Wildflowers

I adore them

Oak Tree at new house

See you next time!

KC-PB-NY

So, yeah, we are moving. There are moments (like right now) where I can't believe we are actually moving out of the mountains. My pwdrgrl is leaving her mountains and we will rejoin society when we move to Long Island, New York. We have had the best life here in the mountains. I moved here a little over 5 years ago and it's been as if we have been on this 5 year honeymoon, up in the mountains away from everyone, but now it's time for us to move close to family and friends and a place where I can work in the one of many areas of social work that I enjoy. Plus, we are going from living at 10,200 feet above sea level to being at sea level. We have decided that oxygen is a good thing and there's just not enough up here at the top of the world. When we go down to sea level (or anything lower than 6,000 feet), we both feel like we can run a marathon. When we visit New York, I never need as much sleep and I wake up ready to go. After being here for 5 years my body is just really tired. The altitude has been a great thing for me because it has allowed me to totally adjust the way I eat. It has been necessary for me to drink at least 8 or more cups of water a day. I learned quickly that once you become dehydrated the altitude sickness can take over and you feel miserable. Living at high altitude has also caused my appetite to completely change. For the last 3 years my appetite has been cut in half. When we go places people are shocked that Dede and I share many of our meals. It's not uncommon for her to cook one pork chop and we will share it and then have a veggie. I feel like I have learned how to re-eat and how to make better choices overall. I still have days when I am really bad and don't eat well, but that feeling doesn't last long like it used to.

Leadville will always be something special to both of us. We were married here and this house is where we fell in love. I still remember sitting in the exact spot I am in right now when D came over and told me she loved me for the first time, we learned how to live together as a couple in this home, we welcomed pets into our family and said goodbye to several. When we got married one of my co-workers made us a sign from wood in her backyard that has our names, the date we got married engraved into the wood. And it has Leadville, CO carved into it. I knew that we probably wouldn't stay here forever, so when we got this gift I knew it was going to be extra special since it says Leadville.

We are trading the mountains for the ocean. Our life is going to be completely different and we will friends and family just down the road....it's been so long since I have been around any family (2007) that is there for you. Everything is going to be so new for me. D has lived there before (it's been almost 30 years, but some things never change) but everything is going to be so new for me. I have decided that I will be lost for at least for the first year....it's a good thing that I don't usually get too upset about being lost. For me, it's the only way to really learn.

New York has always always had a special place in my heart. My maternal Grandmother was born and raised in Brooklyn and I was told stories about her growing up and I feel in love with New York from all her stories. Plus, the Watchtower Tract Society was based out of Brooklyn, NY until just a few years ago, so I was taught that this was the most holy place in the world. The first time I visited New York was in 1987 or so when I went to visit a friend from summer camp that lived outside of NYC in New Jersey. It was Thanksgiving and they took us into the city that weekend and I was just in awe of everything that was NYC. I visited that friend one more time, this time in the summer, and again I begged for us to go into the city and again, I was in complete awe of everything I saw. I remember it being hot, but I still loved everything about it. On this one particular trip we also went to the beach and I just thought it was so cool where my friend lived.

My ex-husband I visited my cousin J there in 1999; she was living (and still is) at "Bethel" (what the headquarters are called) and when we went to NYC with his parents we made it a point to get the big tour of Bethel. J and her husband lived in a great but very small apartment in Brooklyn Heights where they were surrounded by other young married couples all working for the Watchtower. Again, my love for New York came out and I spent many hours dreaming of what life in NYC would be like.

I decided to start blogging because there is so much going on right now that I want something I can look back on and read my feelings and reactions. I have missed writing so much and there have been so many times that I have wanted to write, but honestly I have been lazy. If I want to keep writing I need to make myself do it. I love writing and sharing my life and stories with others, now I just need to make myself do it!!

Kansas City--Leadville (PB)--New York

Let's try this again

I need to blog. That is what I have been telling myself for the last month or so. Blogging is so good for me and it allows me a way to express what's going on with this journey I am on. It's hard to believe but blogging has been a part of life (in some way) for 11 years. My blog was my connection to the world when things got really lonely in my life and I remember leaving my email account open on my computer just waiting for someone to comment. I remember coming home and immediately writing about it. Those years I blogged on a regular basis were very lonely years for me and now I have this wonderful woman to share my life with blogging has taken a backseat to pretty much everything. I think about blogging all the time and really wish writing on a daily basis would become a habit again.

It's been almost four months since I got satellite radio and it really is one of the best things and I have enjoyed it more than I ever thought I would. I will admit that when we were in NY I really enjoyed listening to the radio and more current songs. I was a little distraught when I realized one of my favorite songs (Love Yourself) was by Justin Bieber. I just really like the song and the message behind it. Since getting satellite radio all I have been listening to is old songs. Songs from the 80s, Love Songs, anything before 2010 I am listening to. One thing that music does for me is when I hear a song I can immediately go back and picture a time in my life when that song was popular. As the song is playing I have a video playing in my mind of what my life was like during that year or time. I have so many good memories from everything before now and I can feel that happiness through the songs. Same goes for those tough memories or the times when it seemed like I had no one that loved or cared about me. With all the love and people I have in my life now, it's hard to imagine that at one time I had no one turn to when things got really hard and tough. And because I try to see the positive in everything, I see those times as when I learned how to survive and be a totally independent and success person. It was during those times when I learned that I was stronger than I ever imagined and whatever I put my mind to I could make happen. D and I talk a lot about the courage it took for me to move out of Kansas City in 2009 to a small Kansas town where I knew no one. I knew I had to get out of Kansas City because I was running into my family that was rejecting me on a weekly, if not, daily basis. I decided what I wanted and found myself a job, a cute little stone house and lots of friends that love me still to this day.

I'm a tough cookie, but I am also very tender and my heart gets hurt easily. It seems lately that my heart has been more tender and I can't figure out if that's a good thing or something I need to worry about.

I have lots of things to say.....I just need to say them.

I am going to try to write more. I have a new goal in my mind and blogging is a big part of that dream.

A great thinking place

Higher Education

Watchtower classifies higher education as a temptation akin to smoking, using drugs, and watching violent and immoral movies. For instance, see the insert from the Watchtower2008 Sep 1, entitled “What Will be The “End Afterward”?

The Kingdom Ministry warns:

“Your children will no doubt experience new challenges and pressures. … Are they prepared for the pressure they will receive to pursue higher education, date, and use alcohol or drugs?” Kingdom Ministry 2011 Jul p.2

Watchtower explains pursuing an advanced education is dangerous because it:

• Wastes precious time in these last days
• Promotes prestige and materialism
• Shows a lack of faith
• Involves bad association
• Promotes higher learning

Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness I heard on a weekly basis that the world was going to be ending soon and there would be an Armageddon and all of our things that were "worldly" would be no more. We were taught to go knocking on doors every free moment we had and I was certain that I would see this Armageddon and I would live forever in paradise on earth. When someone is asked about what they know about Jehovah's Witnesses people will usually say something about the 144,000 that are going to heaven. Jehovah's Witnesses believe that there will be an Armageddon between Jesus and Satan and Jesus will win and the earth will be restored to a paradise. The only ones that go to heaven are the 144,000 that are appointed by god himself. My Grandfather on my adoptive Mom's side felt he was one of the "anointed" (what the 144,000 are called) and he would be serving God in heaven. It's amazing how I really believed this but again, this is something that I was fed every single day of the first 30 days of my life. Writing what I used to believe kind of makes me laugh now. 

Considering I was raised in the Jehovah's Witness faith, I was one of the lucky ones because my Dad was not a Jehovah's Witness and he tried his hardest to expose me to everything the Jehovah's Witnesses felt was "worldly". My parents had such an odd relationship because even though my adoptive Mom was responsible for our (my brother and I) spiritual upbringing, my Dad was allowed to do what he wanted for the holidays. Once I was a teenager and my Grandma Murphy lived in Kansas City we always had family dinners on Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, my Grandma Murphy's bday and Easter. As hard as my adoptive Mom tired to protect me from the world, I was exposed to it a lot more than most Jehovah's Witnesses kids. My love of holidays started then and even though I never expressed excitement with my adoptive Mom (or anyone else really) my little heart was so excited with each holiday that came around. I never received a lot of gifts on Christmas or my birthday, but my Dad tried hard to make sure that I did have a couple gifts for Christmas. I think he started to resent me not getting him gifts (I was not allowed to buy gifts, but I could accept them) and started buying me things that he would like so he would eventually get my gift. I remember times when I was angry with him like, why didn't he get me something I liked, but now that I look back on the situation I am sad for how I felt towards my Dad and wished I had tried to sneak him a few gifts. One year when I was going to camp (that was another worldly thing that I was blessed to be able to attend) I was leaving on Father's Day and I secretly bought my Dad a Father's Day card and gave it to him before I left. My Dad bragged to my Mom about me getting him a card so of course my Mom was furious at me and it was a rough departure for my Mom and I when I was leaving for 8 weeks. This experience probably had something to do with me not buying my Dad gifts after that....he liked to use it to stab my Mom in the heart because I was going against what she was teaching me. 

I think where my life would be if I had not had the exposure to higher education like I did. In 1995 I was just a few semesters away from graduating with my bachelors in Social Work when I dropped out. My adoptive Mom was supportive of me  not going to school and even hid the fact from my Dad for months that I was not in school. After I dropped out I got married to my ex husband and about a year and a half later I was so unhappy. I was in a loveless marriage, I was in a church that kept telling me not to worry about anything because Armageddon was just around the corner and I was in a dead end job. I really felt like I didn't have anything.  One day I was so upset where my life was that I called my parents and said, I am going back to school!! Of course my Dad was happy and thinking back I can't remember what my adoptive Mom's response was. Two years later I graduated with my bachelors degree and getting that degree was just the beginning of me breaking out of the cocoon I had been forced to live in my entire life. 

More on adoption

My transition back to the real world has been delayed until next week. Due to an infection at the incision site I am back to staying off my feet for another week. I did manage to work one day on Monday but by the middle of the day I noticed the incision site was not looking great. I called the dr and he wanted me to come by to look at it. One look and he said I had an infection starting. I had planned on going to work the next day but my foot got worse on Monday night and after speaking with my dr we decided I needed more time off to allow this to heal. I think what happened was when the stitches were coming out this one spot was not ready. When the stitch was removed it hurt like hell and I knew something was not right. Looks like I was right.

I have watched so much tv since I have been off work and last night I happened to catch an episode of Intervention. It has been probably 5 years since I have watched that show. I loved it when it first came out but when this show came out I was at a bad time in my life and I guess I enjoyed the company of other people that were miserable. Once things got better and I became happier, I stopped watching the show because it really depressed me. Well, last night there was nothing on tv and I started watching an episode. This episode was so interesting and I heard a message that I really needed to hear again and to be reminded about.

In this episode a woman was struggling with addiction and one of her issues was the fact that she was adopted. When she went looking for her birth mom the only response she got from her was, I didn't want you then and I don't want you know.  Wow oh wow. I can't imagine searching for my birth mom and then getting a response like this. It would break my heart and certainly devastate me if my birth mom had said that to me.

Ever since I was 18 I have wanted to look for my birth mom. When I was in high school we had to write a paper that discussed the pros and cons of a whatever subject we wanted to talk about and the subject I chose was whether or not to look for my birth mom. When I talked to my adoptive mom about this paper she instantly became very upset. She was so upset that I would want to look for my "real" mom and that I would abandon her.

Anyone that is adopted has the same questions...Where did I come from? Why was I placed up for adoption? What is my background? I was no different and it's sad that my adoptive mom could not be supportive of me to find answers to those questions I had.  I wish I had that high school paper because I don't remember one thing I wrote about in it and I would love to see what my conclusion was. I am thinking that I did the normal thing teenage Caroline did and smoothed things over, pushed my feelings aside and made my adoptive mom happy.

And here is a big BUT with everything I just wrote.....

Everything happens when it's suppose to and I know for a fact that if I had searched for my birth mom when I was 18 it would not have been a good time for either my birth mom or birth dad. I am thankful that it never worked out that I found my birth mom back then (even though she was only 10 minutes away from me) because 2013 was the exact moment we were suppose to be reunited and brought back into each others lives.  Kind of sucks that instead of 10 minutes from her I am now 600 miles from her.

I will never forget that first call with my cousin S and hearing that Yes, my birth mom wants to meet me and have me in her life again. For so many years I was afraid to look for my birth family for fear that I would be rejected again. And when I realized I was gay and lost my adoptive family, I was even more fearful of finding them and being rejected. It was such a big relief when I asked my cousin if my birth mom would have an issue with me being gay and she said, no way.

The acceptance I have received from my birth mom's side of the family and a few from my birth dad is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. It is such a good feeling knowing that the woman that created me loves me no matter what. Sadly, I never felt that way with my adoptive mom. I always felt like the love she had for me was conditional and I guess in the end I was right. She loved me as long as I did what she thought I should do. Once I started thinking on my own, her love was quickly taken away.

It's a huge comfort knowing that I do have family that love me and will never leave me. At 42, I have never had that. I have never had a family member say, I love you unconditionally and exactly the way you are. After 42 years, I think it's finally my turn to have an accepting family.

My 9/11 story

2001 was a year of change for me. In March of that year my divorce from my ex husband was finally finalized and I felt like a free woman. In June of 2001 I started the 1 year Maters in Social Work  program at KU and my life was suddenly crazy. That summer I was working about 32 hours a week and going to school 1 full day each week. I was so busy.

In August of that year I left the job I had been at since I got my bachelors degree. At that time, this job and my co-workers were my one contact with the world. In June 2000 I was disfellowshipped for smoking cigarettes and I did okay not having my family until I was not at work with people I considered my friends. I felt so alone. I think I only lasted 3-4 days after I left my job and when I called my Mom and said, I want to be reinstated. (brought back into the church through a 6+ month process) My Mom and I had not talked much at all during that year that I was disfellowshipped which was hard on me, but again I had my friends from work and I think I was doing pretty good.

My cousin Ryan was getting married in August 2001 and I remember being so upset that I was not at the wedding and all this family was in town and I was left out completely. I think this was part of the reason that I wanted back in the church...I wanted my family back. I was still feeling pretty unsure about whether I wanted to be back in the church, but I was so lonely and felt like I had no one. As sad as it was, I really didn't have anyone. But I knew I would be like the lost sheep that returned to the fold and as soon as I was reinstated, I would have my family back.

On September 11 I was driving to school when I first heard about the attacks in New York. I heard it on the radio and I called my Dad because I wasn't sure if this was a joke or what and sadly my Dad confirmed that a plane had flown into one of the Twin Towers, but he didn't know much else. When I got to school my first class started and we went for about an hour before having a break. It was during that break that we learned of all the attacks that had occurred. I remember sitting in class wondering what in the world was going on and that's when I first thought that maybe this was Armageddon. I think the teacher let us out a little early so we could go watch a tv in another room and that is when I saw one of the towers fall. I was in complete shock. I couldn't believe what was happening before my eyes.

I had a lunch break and my adoptive Mom worked close to where I was attending classes so I drove over to her work and we went to lunch...Taco Via of course. We were talking about people we knew in New York, like my cousin Jill. We knew she was safe, but she was still right in Brooklyn and we had no idea what was coming next. I just wanted to talk to Jill, but I was still disfellowshipped and she refused to speak to me. Once I said I wanted to be reinstated, my Mom instantly started talking to me again and it was like nothing had happened. The only reason she talked to me during the last 6 months of my disfellowshipping was because she knew I was trying and she wanted to encourage me to keep going.

As I drove home that day from school I remember seeing all the long lines for gas and I was freaking out. I was afraid to take the highway home, so I took the back roads all the way home. When I got home I remember sitting outside on the back deck thinking how quiet the air seemed. It just seemed like everything was quiet rest of that day. I had no one to come home to on that day. I had my pets, but there was another person waiting for me to get home so we could hug and reassure each other. It was just me. And boy did I feel so alone on that night.

2001 was such complex year for me and I went through so many changes. After the attacks I remember still feeling so alone and I knew that going back to the church was the wrong thing, but I saw the happiness in my adoptive Mom's face when I did return wanting to repent for all my sins and there was no way I could break her heart again. I had already made a commitment and I had to follow through with it.

But in my heart, something changed after September 11. I saw how the country came together and really rallied behind each other. Our country was so united and even someone that had been taught her entire life to not do anything patriotic, something inside me was coming alive with all of the good that was happening in our country the few months after 9/11. My heart opened in a way it had never done so before and I had never felt more proud to be an American.

Childless

When I was a little girl and for much of my life into my 20s all I really wanted to do was get married and have lots of kids. It's a family joke that when I was little and would play the game of Life with my cousins I would buy their kids so I could have as many kids as possible. My friends in high school thought for sure I would be the first one married and with kids. Yes, I was the first of my friends to get married, but the kids never came.

All of my life I have wished to have family members that look like me. And I think this was one of the reasons I really wanted kids...so I could have someone that looked like me. I could look at my cousins and see parts of their parents in them, but I never had that when I compared myself to my parents and brother. Being adopted can lead to a very lonely life. I know that I felt alone most of my life and felt that  no one understood me. I had no one around me that was also adopted and talking about being adopted with my adoptive parents was something that just didn't happen. I am so lucky that my parents did chose to tell me from the very beginning that I was adopted. Looking back on how they would speak about my birth mom and they were always so sweet about her and always told me that she loved me so much that she chose a family to raise me. They were always thankful for her and the wonderful gift she had given them. Knowing I was adopted always gave me a little bit of hope when things got really bad with my parents. I think it was that hope that helped me hang on when things got really tough and when I thought about ending my life. I always had hope that there was a family out there that really wanted me and loved me all along. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that I was right all along and I did have a family out there that was ready to welcome me back into their lives and their love.

Now that I am 42 I know that I will never have children. Sometimes the thought that I will never have a baby makes me so sad. There is so much that I will miss in life because I don't have children but then again my life is really good and I don't feel like I am missing anything. But I still wonder....what would my life look like if I did have children. If I had gotten pregnant when I was with my ex-husband I would have a 15-17 year old.  That thought alone puts me in a panic because I can't ever imagine being the mother to a teenager.

I am lucky because even though I don't have any children of my own, I have so many wonderful children and babies in my life through extended family. I love all of my nieces/nephews so much and maybe I was meant to be the fun cool aunt instead of a mommy. I love my role as an aunt and growing up my adoptive mom's sister was like a second mom to me and played an active role in everything in my life.

Through finding my birth family I found my Ant (it's not spelled wrong, that's how she likes to spell it) Sharron and she has been such a blessing to me and she has so much love to give me. We talk on a weekly basis (although we need to talk more on the phone) and she has given me so much information about my birth dad's side of the family. Just being with her I feel this strong connection to her and even though we have only known each other for a few years, I feel extremely close to her. I am so thankful for my ant and I hope my nieces/nephews will once feel the same way about me!

My sister Cheri, Ant Sharron and Me. It was about 1:30am when this photo was taken.