Earlier in the week I got a friend request from this guy I grew up with because we went to the same congregation. I actually had a huge crush on his younger brother and looking back now I can see how much of a nuisance I was. lol So, I get this friend request and this is someone that I was once friends with, but unfriended him because he had made some stupid comments about Nazi's or something like that. I also wasn't that impressed with what kind of life he was living...going out partying all the time, talking about what woman he was sleeping with on that day, etc. Part of me wanted to ignore the request, but the nosey part of me wanted to see what he was up to. Within a few minutes he sends me a private message and tells me how close he is to my (adoptive) brother. My response was something like....My brother hates me. This person says how he is going to talk to my (adoptive) brother because there is nothing more important than family. I wrote back...okay. This person (who is a man is his late 40's) then writes me and says that if it works out with my (adoptive) brother then I owe him a bj.
My first thought was shock that he had just written this to me. I immediately thought about how all women have to put up with so much sexual crap from men in all directions. What a sad world we live in. And I don't want to bring politics up, but he is a rabid Trump supporter. I guess if his president talks to and about women like that, it's okay for him to say whatever he wants to me.
A few minutes later I got a message saying...Nope your brother is still pretty mad at you.
Not surprised and after reading this message I really didn't care. But it did get me thinking about what I did to deserve such coldness and hatefulness from my family, but especially my (adoptive) brother. Maybe it was one of these things.....
*Maybe he is mad at me because he was so horrible to me as a child. Maybe it's because he hit me every day that ended in the letter Y, maybe it was the sexual abuse I endured for 2 years, or maybe it was because he made me get naked in front of his friends.
*Maybe it was because he stole my very first checkbook and cashed so many checks that the bank told me I was too high risk because of my brother and they were closing my account. I was 16.
*Maybe he can't bear the fact that he called me every dirty name in the book, most of them in front of his friends or in public.
*Maybe it because I was forced to allow him to come into my home when I was 27 because no one else in the family trusted him in their home. It didn't take long for him to steal from me, including my wedding ring and my video camera.
*Maybe it was because he has shouted and screamed at me so many times how much he hates and detests me; how I am a disgusting person that doesn't deserve shit. (actual quotes from him)
*Maybe it's because I took him and his wife and young child in so many times I lost count. This was usually when all other bridges were burned down.
*Maybe it was all the love I gave his children and how much I loved and cared for them while he was out getting fucked up on alcohol and cocaine.
I am happy because I am at the point where I really don't care if I speak to my brother and his wife ever again. They have 3 teenagers and I would love to one day see them, but I am not going to hold my breathe. Twelve years ago when I lost the family I was devastated and felt so alone, but I have build up a really nice family in the last 12 years and there comes a time in your life that no matter what a person has to offer you, you don't want it and it's not worth it.
Last May I had the chance to go into the house I lived from ages 12-22. It had been since 2004 since I had been in there and I was anxious to see how things had changed. Much to my surprise so much of the house was exactly the same, but just 12 years older. Like, I think the same pot for some of the indoor plants were the same one from 12 years sgo. It was kind of like things were frozen in time and the only thing that had changed was time.
But things had changed and the home that was once my safe haven in the world, now felt completely cold and a place that I didn't want to stay long. When I was cut off from the family I really missed my parents house. I used to just drop by and walk in the front door without knocking and it was always going to be home. For a couple years after I was disfellowshipped I would drive by the house and see my parents in the window and cry because I just wanted to be part of the family again.
Some things are meant to stay in the past. I have learned this a couple times with friending people on Facebook. Life is always changing and when someone from your past comes into your life, sometimes they no longer fit in your life and aren't suppose to be back in your life and it's okay to not bring them along for your future.
Friday, November 25, 2016
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Come Together
So sorry for the delay in writing about our cross country journey. Every couple of days D says to me...You really need to finish up the story of us driving cross country. My wife is always right!
While we were still in Hays, KS I called my Dad as well as my birth family to coordinate all of us having lunch. When I got off the phone, I looked at D and said...Oh my gosh, my birth and adoptive family are going to have lunch together. I knew it would go fine, but I didn't know how it would be for my birth Mom to meet my adoptive Dad. I spoke with my birth Mom to make sure she was okay with the meeting and the sweet person she is, she immediately said it was fine. I gotta say, my birth Mom is so wonderful and such a wonderful person. All my life I wondered what she was like and if I was like her. After meeting her, I know for sure that I got my tender and soft heart from her. And she is so wonderful with whatever plans I have for her and I when I come to town. Finding her again has been of the best things in my adult life. I know I have written about this before, but I seriously thought about her every single day since I was 10. I wanted to know who she was and what lead up to her placing me up for adoption. When you wish for something your whole life and then a Facebook private message makes that wish come true, it takes a while to realize what has happened. It was like I was finding myself all over again and at times it was very difficult. For the first 6 months I cried just about every day and if someone asked me about finding my birth family I would usually cry. I think it took me a full year to finally not cry about finding my Mama.
It was a long drive from Hays, KS to Kansas City. I think it was only 5 hours to drive, but I was so nervous about the upcoming lunch. I should also add that the day before I talked with my Dad and made sure he was okay with meeting my whole new family and he was wonderful and said that would be okay.
We got there first and then slowly everyone else showed up. There were 8 of us there and it was one of the greatest lunches. The whole lunch was easy conversation and everyone really seemed to get along and like each other. During lunch my Dad got everyones attention and pulled out a bracelet that belonged to my Grandma Murphy and he gave it to me. As soon as I saw the bracelet I was flooded with memories of my Grandma Murphy and I remember her wearing this exact bracelet. I think as a little girl I always hoped she would give it to me because it has about 10 little charms that each one represents something about Minnesota. My Grandma Murphy is so special to me and Minnesota is so special to me because of my Grandma Murphy. Getting this bracelet was like a gift from heaven. And for my Dad to present it to me in front of everyone was a wonderful thing. He said he knew she would want me to have it. My grandma Murphy was a very tiny woman so there is no way the bracelet would fit me now, so I have it in my wallet, so every time I open my wallet I am reminded of my Grandma Murphy.
It was hard leaving this lunch because I knew it was going to be a long time before I would be back to Kansas City. Moving cross county, unpacking and finding work doesn't leave much time to go back for a visit. Now that I won't be using any vacation time to visit NY, I am hoping to have longer visits in KC when I go home.
After lunch everyone came outside to meet (or see again) our cats, Lizzy and the birds. We all stood around for about 30 minutes talking and I could tell we were all wanting to just freeze time because the 8 of us were having such a good time together. Eventually I said..Okay, we really need to go this time. I hugged each of them and we got in our cars and we on our way east. As we were pulling out of the parking lot I saw the 6 of them walking to their cars talking. I smile and felt so happy that I was able to see all of them. Between my family in Kansas City and New York, I am so so lucky and LOVED. For so many years when I was by myself I felt so unlovable, so the universe is making up for those lonely times.
While we were still in Hays, KS I called my Dad as well as my birth family to coordinate all of us having lunch. When I got off the phone, I looked at D and said...Oh my gosh, my birth and adoptive family are going to have lunch together. I knew it would go fine, but I didn't know how it would be for my birth Mom to meet my adoptive Dad. I spoke with my birth Mom to make sure she was okay with the meeting and the sweet person she is, she immediately said it was fine. I gotta say, my birth Mom is so wonderful and such a wonderful person. All my life I wondered what she was like and if I was like her. After meeting her, I know for sure that I got my tender and soft heart from her. And she is so wonderful with whatever plans I have for her and I when I come to town. Finding her again has been of the best things in my adult life. I know I have written about this before, but I seriously thought about her every single day since I was 10. I wanted to know who she was and what lead up to her placing me up for adoption. When you wish for something your whole life and then a Facebook private message makes that wish come true, it takes a while to realize what has happened. It was like I was finding myself all over again and at times it was very difficult. For the first 6 months I cried just about every day and if someone asked me about finding my birth family I would usually cry. I think it took me a full year to finally not cry about finding my Mama.
It was a long drive from Hays, KS to Kansas City. I think it was only 5 hours to drive, but I was so nervous about the upcoming lunch. I should also add that the day before I talked with my Dad and made sure he was okay with meeting my whole new family and he was wonderful and said that would be okay.
We got there first and then slowly everyone else showed up. There were 8 of us there and it was one of the greatest lunches. The whole lunch was easy conversation and everyone really seemed to get along and like each other. During lunch my Dad got everyones attention and pulled out a bracelet that belonged to my Grandma Murphy and he gave it to me. As soon as I saw the bracelet I was flooded with memories of my Grandma Murphy and I remember her wearing this exact bracelet. I think as a little girl I always hoped she would give it to me because it has about 10 little charms that each one represents something about Minnesota. My Grandma Murphy is so special to me and Minnesota is so special to me because of my Grandma Murphy. Getting this bracelet was like a gift from heaven. And for my Dad to present it to me in front of everyone was a wonderful thing. He said he knew she would want me to have it. My grandma Murphy was a very tiny woman so there is no way the bracelet would fit me now, so I have it in my wallet, so every time I open my wallet I am reminded of my Grandma Murphy.
It was hard leaving this lunch because I knew it was going to be a long time before I would be back to Kansas City. Moving cross county, unpacking and finding work doesn't leave much time to go back for a visit. Now that I won't be using any vacation time to visit NY, I am hoping to have longer visits in KC when I go home.
After lunch everyone came outside to meet (or see again) our cats, Lizzy and the birds. We all stood around for about 30 minutes talking and I could tell we were all wanting to just freeze time because the 8 of us were having such a good time together. Eventually I said..Okay, we really need to go this time. I hugged each of them and we got in our cars and we on our way east. As we were pulling out of the parking lot I saw the 6 of them walking to their cars talking. I smile and felt so happy that I was able to see all of them. Between my family in Kansas City and New York, I am so so lucky and LOVED. For so many years when I was by myself I felt so unlovable, so the universe is making up for those lonely times.
Saturday, November 5, 2016
Settling In
D keeps telling me that I need to update my blog and continue on with my story. She is right so here I am. I need to write more. It is so healthy for me emotionally to write and get what I need out since I tend to hold things in until there is an explosion. Plus, I love writing and I love sharing my story with whoever decides to read my public journal.
I promise to continue on with our story of driving across the county, but I want to check in with how it is living here in New York after 7 weeks. Two words: Culture Shock!
D grew up here, but has been gone for the last 20+ years. A lot of things changes in that time and after living in small towns for at least the last 16 years, it's been a challenge for her. We just take it one day at a time and we have found that playing Uno is a great way for her to relax and distract her for a bit...especially if she is winning.
Living in NYC has always been a dream and wish of mine. We have lived here for 7 weeks now and I think L.I. (Long Island) is the closest I want to get to NYC. I am still getting used to all of the traffic. And most of the traffic is all the time. I have been out a few times around 7am on a weekend and it's not too busy out yet. I keep telling D that the traffic hasn't seemws that bad to me yet, but she keeps reminding me that we have barely left the town where we live. She's right...I am sure I will get to know the real traffic of L.I. when I start having a daily drive to work. At least a couple times a day we look at each other and say, I can't believe we live here. I love being so close to pretty much anything I need or want. It's been fun exploring the area around our house and finding the restaurants that we like or don't like, where to get Lizzy's food and where to get work done on our cars. During the inspection for my car they told me the brakes on my back tires were really low and I needed to get them changed soon. When I asked about making an appointment they told me to just come back..and sure enough when I took the car yesterday they got me right in and get this....I was charged less than originally quoted. Then this morning my tire pressure light came on and I found a tire store within a mile from us and I took it there today and with just a little bit of air in each tire the light came off and they didn't charge me anything. Such nice people.
People are starting to recognize D and I around town because of she uses lunch boxes for her pocketbook and her current one is a South Park one. The DMV people remembered us from her pocketbook, as did the waiter at the diner. One of the many things that I love so much about D...her willingness to not care what anyone thinks and carry around a metal lunch box as her pocketbook.
We finally got the blinds up on our house. It's made such a difference in the amount of noise we hear from the street. When we looked at this house it was in July and there was no school. We have about 8 buses that go up and down our street 2x a day and most times they are at full speed. It's impossible to have our front door open in the afternoon when the buses and all the cars are driving by...it's so loud and noisy. We have found that our neighborhood is pretty quiet otherwise. We have met all our surrounding neighbors and most seem pretty friendly. The one neighbor to our right brought us over 4 boxes of snack cakes from Sara Lee. It was a very sweet gesture.
So much to get used to that is different....trash here is 2x a week, plus once a week they pick up recycles, we get our mail right at our house (we are so used to having to go to the post office), still trying to get used to watching the NY news....so many scary things going on in the world and right down the street., I suddenly want to read all about L.I. history...there are signs all over that mark the place of a building from the 1800's, etc . So fascinating I'm loving learning so much.
Life here is so good for so many reasons. We had no choice in moving out of Leadville and when we knew we had to move we talked about different places we could move and it always came back to being here. We always said...family, friends, food and we have had so much of all 3 that our bellies and hearts are filling back up with food and love.
I promise to continue on with our story of driving across the county, but I want to check in with how it is living here in New York after 7 weeks. Two words: Culture Shock!
D grew up here, but has been gone for the last 20+ years. A lot of things changes in that time and after living in small towns for at least the last 16 years, it's been a challenge for her. We just take it one day at a time and we have found that playing Uno is a great way for her to relax and distract her for a bit...especially if she is winning.
Living in NYC has always been a dream and wish of mine. We have lived here for 7 weeks now and I think L.I. (Long Island) is the closest I want to get to NYC. I am still getting used to all of the traffic. And most of the traffic is all the time. I have been out a few times around 7am on a weekend and it's not too busy out yet. I keep telling D that the traffic hasn't seemws that bad to me yet, but she keeps reminding me that we have barely left the town where we live. She's right...I am sure I will get to know the real traffic of L.I. when I start having a daily drive to work. At least a couple times a day we look at each other and say, I can't believe we live here. I love being so close to pretty much anything I need or want. It's been fun exploring the area around our house and finding the restaurants that we like or don't like, where to get Lizzy's food and where to get work done on our cars. During the inspection for my car they told me the brakes on my back tires were really low and I needed to get them changed soon. When I asked about making an appointment they told me to just come back..and sure enough when I took the car yesterday they got me right in and get this....I was charged less than originally quoted. Then this morning my tire pressure light came on and I found a tire store within a mile from us and I took it there today and with just a little bit of air in each tire the light came off and they didn't charge me anything. Such nice people.
People are starting to recognize D and I around town because of she uses lunch boxes for her pocketbook and her current one is a South Park one. The DMV people remembered us from her pocketbook, as did the waiter at the diner. One of the many things that I love so much about D...her willingness to not care what anyone thinks and carry around a metal lunch box as her pocketbook.
We finally got the blinds up on our house. It's made such a difference in the amount of noise we hear from the street. When we looked at this house it was in July and there was no school. We have about 8 buses that go up and down our street 2x a day and most times they are at full speed. It's impossible to have our front door open in the afternoon when the buses and all the cars are driving by...it's so loud and noisy. We have found that our neighborhood is pretty quiet otherwise. We have met all our surrounding neighbors and most seem pretty friendly. The one neighbor to our right brought us over 4 boxes of snack cakes from Sara Lee. It was a very sweet gesture.
So much to get used to that is different....trash here is 2x a week, plus once a week they pick up recycles, we get our mail right at our house (we are so used to having to go to the post office), still trying to get used to watching the NY news....so many scary things going on in the world and right down the street., I suddenly want to read all about L.I. history...there are signs all over that mark the place of a building from the 1800's, etc . So fascinating I'm loving learning so much.
Life here is so good for so many reasons. We had no choice in moving out of Leadville and when we knew we had to move we talked about different places we could move and it always came back to being here. We always said...family, friends, food and we have had so much of all 3 that our bellies and hearts are filling back up with food and love.
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| The pot of gold is at 7-11 |
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| Keeping guard on the house |
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| Trains all around us...I actually don't mind the sound |
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| The DMV got to know us well. They were quick and efficient at this office. |
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| My wife back to doing what she loves...reading in the sun. |
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| Shayna outside |
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