I found her.

In the last four weeks I have read 4 books!! For someone that didn't read an entire book for more than 10 years...this is a huge accomplishment and I am proud of myself. Three of the books I read were by the author Jennier Lauck and all were about different times in her life. The final book was called Found and it was about Jennifer finding her birth mother, or first mother as she called her. I started the book  on our flight to New York and finished it this afternoon. As I picked it up and read the cover at the hotel on Wednesday night I turned to Dede and said, I am going to cry myself to New York. The book is an easy read and I had read more than half  of it on our first flight and I couldn't believe how the feelings that I have had for so many years were right there in someone else's life. I felt so much reassurance from reading just a part of her book that all these crazy feelings I have had in being reconnected with my birth mom are normal and very common among adoptees when they are reunited with their birth families.

After I was born my birth mom never saw me. I was taken away from her and for three days I was cared for by the nursing staff at the hospital. From as long as I can remember, I always wondered what those first few days were like for me. After reading  Found, I have a better idea as to what my little brain and body was going through every time I realized my Mom was not there. For 9 months I was a part of my Mom and I knew what she smelled like and I knew her voice so it was quite a shock to the newborn Caroline to not hear or smell my Mom.

The other thing that became more and more clear is how I have ached for her touch since the day I was born. Growing up my adoptive Mom tried to be affectionate with me but I rejected her time and time again. At one point when I was a teenager my adoptive Mom tried to hold my hand during a prayer at church and her touch didn't and never did feel right to me. She turned to me and told me that I was so cold hearted (because I wouldn't hold her hand). All through my life I have been searching for her touch that I never experienced as an infant and lucky for me not only did I find my birth Mom, but she wants me in her life and wants a relationship with me.

So many people search for their birth families and so many of them are rejected once again, so I am lucky that my birth mom has been willing to uncover a 40 year old secret and welcome me into her life and heart with everything she has.

Here is the first photo taken of me as I was brought into my adoptive home. I always wondered what was going through my mind and I think I have an idea now. I was wondering where she was.