I started blogging back in 2005 (wow...10 years!) and one of my first posts was about gay rights. I can't believe that in 10 years my dream has come true and all loving gay couples can now make the ultimate commitment and get married. The day the ruling came out I was not feeling well so I was home for the day. It was around 8am and we were both still in bed watching Good Morning America when the Breaking News interrupted the program. I looked at Dede and told her, this is it...it's the ruling on gay marriage. As history was being made I was so happy that I was able to be right there with Dede, my wife of six months! And how wonderful is it that I can call Dede my wife. I will be honest, saying wife when referring to Dede has been something I have had to get used to. I never thought I would be able to marry a woman and I didn't want to use the term wife until it was actually true. So the term wife is new to me, but I will say each time I say it and the person doesn't look at me shocked, I get used to saying it with ease and confidence.
It's hard growing being taught and drilled into your head that being gay is one of the worst sins you can commit. I often times wonder if my adoptive Mom had a clue that maybe I could be gay because thinking back to myself as a teenager I asked a lot of questions that could hint at my sexual orientation. I also remember my adoptive Mom warning me about getting too close to my (girl)friends because one of them may be wanting something else. If you have no worry about your child being gay, you probably wouldn't say something like that. So yeah, there is a part of me that knows my adoptive Mom knew I was gay all along and as I have learned with her 11 year silence towards me, it killed her that she couldn't do anything about it.
There has been a lot of tensions lately about gay marriage and the world seems so loud. Every time I open Facebook there is an article that pisses me off and makes my blood boil. Last Saturday I misread someones comment and I got angry and I became vocal about my anger. At some point I went back and re-read their comment and realized I had read it wrong. I quickly felt like shit and wrote this person and apologized. It wasn't the greatest apology, but I made an effort. I have had no response from this person and each day that goes by I realize again that maybe certain people really do only come in your life for a period of time. I guess time will tell.
When I came out to my adoptive Mom one of the things she said was that she felt I was not safe around little girls since I was now a lesbian. There was a woman at our congregation that suddenly would not let me near her little girl once she realized I was gay. (I had come out to her about 9 months before I was disfellowshipped) When I read that someone comparing being gay to being attracted to children I go nuts inside. The person that was suppose to love me and accept me is now accusing me of being a child molester and I learned this past week that I am still very sensitive to all of this.
I'm not perfect and there are times when I feel like people expect me to be perfect. I am going to say things I don't mean and at some point I am probably going to hurt someones feelings. When I know I am wrong I apologize.
There have been several cases where I have reached out to someone and gotten no response. A few weeks ago I wrote on Facebook that I hated being ignored because it seems like it happens so much in my life. I have always been quiet and more of an observer but dammit that doesn't mean you can ignore me.
I have always been a sensitive person and it's been in the last 5 or so years that I have really embraced my sensitivity. This is who I am and I happen to love who I am!
