It was a good childhood

One of the things that I have really learned to do in the last couple of years, is to appreciate the life I did have with my adopted family. There are so many things and experiences that I would never have experienced if I had been anywhere else. When I first found my birth family I was so angry with my adoptive family. I just couldn't understand how they could love and raise me as if I was their own and then when I am 30 and come out as gay they decide this is one sin they can't look beyond. And really when I say "my parents" I think it's important to know that my Dad was never a Jehovah's Witness. My Mom met my Dad when she was taking a "break" from being a JW and it wasn't until they adopted my brother that my Mom decided to go back to church. My Mom shared with me when I was a teenager that when my Mom went back to the church they (my parents) decided that my Mom would be in charge of the spiritual upbringing of my brother and I. Throughout my whole life I was able to see small glimpses of the world outside of my local congregation because of my Dad. Now that I am an adult and see how stubborn my Mom can be, I am even more appreciative of all the battles he went to with my Mom so I could experience somewhat of a  normal childhood. When I was disfellowshipped from the church it put my Dad in the middle and I of course wanted him to take my side, but as the years went by and my Mom still refused to talk to me, my relationship with my Dad slowly faded.  Happily my relationship with my Dad seems to be going better and my whole surgery ordeal has opened up the doors for us to talk several times a week.

One of the things that I had growing up was a cabin at a local lake. Anytime I think about my childhood, Lake Lotawana always comes to mind. I spent every weekend there in the summer and we even spent time there in the winter even though our little cabin had no heat. I have so many good memories from my time at Lake Lotawana. I think the big one was we were always there together as a family. One thing I can say about my childhood is, my parents were very involved. I don't remember a soccer game or any other activity that I didn't have one or both of my parents there. As a child (and much into my adult life) I felt very safe being near my parents. I think that is why I had trouble distancing myself from my adoptive Mom once I moved out and didn't see her everyday. For so much of my life, my adoptive Mom was the most important person in my life. Sometimes when I really think about it, I wonder how I don't cry every day that I no longer have the woman that raised me in my life.

But back to happy things....I had a very good childhood. For so long I think I only focused on the bad and what had happened to me, but I soon learned that everyone has something they have had to overcome and compared to what some people go through growing up, I didn't have it that bad. Even when I was being abused by my brother, I still was a happy child and filled with so much hope.

I often wonder why things never worked out that I would have children of my own. For the last two years that my ex husband and I were married we did not use birth control. Sometimes I struggle with my faith, but then I remember that I never got pregnant when I easily could have and how not having a child probably saved my life. Things would have been so different if my ex husband and I had had a baby. I could see myself being just like my adoptive Mom and being scared and staying in the church and never trying to venture out on my own.

Boy, it feels good writing again. And thank you so much for your feedback. Keep it coming. I love hearing from you!