I got a lot of private feedback regarding my last post and it has really inspired me to keep writing and to keep sharing. Thanks to those of you that encouraged me to keep writing it out.
For two days now I have been looking for a picture of my cousin Jill and I on the day we got baptized. I feel that pictures with some writing speaks volume that wouldn't be there if the picture wasn't there. But I am going to try to not let me not finding this photo turn into I will wait to write.
I think I want to address another thing that was said to me today. Someone mentioned that I had a lot of bitterness towards religion and as much as I feel like I do, I don't let what has happened to me in the past to stop me from being who I am today. Writing me for me is something that I really enjoy doing and I love that there are people that love reading what I have to say. I'll try to keep any bitterness out of my posts. :-)
People are always fascinated with the fact that I was raised a Jehovah's Witness. The religion as a whole is very private and they hate when outsiders find out about how things really work on the inside. The main goal in converting people is to get them to where they dedicate their life to the church. They don't say the church but rather, you are dedicating your life to Jehovah and his earthly organization. Once someone is baptized you are pretty much stuck and the only way to get out is leave all of your friends and/or family. When someone converts to Jehovah's Witness I feel they have an easier way to escape than someone like me who was raised in the religion and whose entire extended family are witnesses. My adoptive Dad was an only child, so I never had a lot of extended family outside of great uncles and great aunts. Because my adoptive Mom's family lived just a few miles from us and were also Jehovah's Witnesses, we did everything with them. My best friend growing up was my cousin Jill who is 3 years younger than me. We were raised more like sisters and it was not uncommon for me to see Jill and rest of my extended family 3-4 times a week.
As soon as you are a teenager you start getting pressure to become a baptized member of Jehovah's Witnesses. Any sins you commit before you are baptized are not disciplined as harshly as someone that is baptized. So baptism is a very serious commitment and it is not taken lightly. When I was 16 my cousin Joel (he was one year younger than me) got baptized. Then the pressure was really on me since my cousin who was younger than me already made this lifelong commitment.
When my cousin Jill decided she was going to get baptized at the next convention (baptisms are only done at the large conventions that are held 2-3 times a year) I decided that it was probably time for me get baptized as well. I knew that any mistake I made after getting baptized could be held against me and a group of elders could decide if I should be part of the congregation or not. I just hoped that I wouldn't be one of the ones that did end up getting disfelloshipped because that would bring so much shame to my family.
When you decide you want to get baptized you are required to meet with 2 elders and to go over a certain set of questions. The elders ask you several questions and depending on how you answer them they decide if you are mature enough to make this commitment. I was scared to death they would tell me I was not ready, but I ended up passing the test just fine and a few weeks later I was baptized in a cow trough at Kemper Arena in Kansas City and the date was June 16, 1990. There is a special talk before the baptism that is directed only at the people getting baptized and I remember the elder telling our group that our baptism date was the most important date in our life. He was wrong, I think the most important date in my life was July 29, 2004 when I was finally able to get out of what I had started 14 years prior.
I know that when I first left/got kicked out of the church I was angry and there are times when that anger comes up. I know there are some that are reading this saying to themselves...Why can't she just get over this? I wish it was that easy. It's really hard re-programming your brain after 30 years of brainwashing. My blog and my writing is a great way for me to work through things and I guess if you don't want to read about this you can chose not to.
Two days in a row of blogging...maybe tomorrow I can make it 3 days.
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