So many untold stories

When you leave a cult it takes many years to de-activate your brain and to move away from all of the things I had been brain washed about.  Before I left the church I slowly started doing things my way and I quickly found that I wasn't struck by lightning and god didn't suddenly want to do away with me. I remember Christmas of 2000 and I bought myself a little Christmas tree. I put it up in my living room but had it close enough to the closet in case one of my witness friends/family members showed up. I loved that little tree and it was the first time that I did something that was totally against my religion and what I had been taught. 

When I was a witness I prayed and prayed that god would make me what he wanted me to be. How could I believe something that was making me so miserable. When I think back to the Caroline between the years of 2000-2004 I wonder what made me hang on and not just give up. There were many times when I did want to give up because I could not see living my life as a Jehovah's Witness and to be sane at the same time. The last few years that I was a Jehovah's Witness I felt like I was going crazy. My heart was telling me one thing, but everything I had been taught my entire life was telling me I god was very disappointed in me and my life was going to be a miserable one. 

When I was married to my ex-husband I had what I had always thought I had wanted. I had a husband that was nice to me and we had what seemed like a good life together. But something wasn't right and it wasn't right from day one. Four years into our marriage I finally came to terms with who I was and it suddenly made sense why my entire life with my ex-husband did not feel right to me. When I shared with my ex-husband that I had feelings for a woman he was in shock. He went right to the elders and told them that not only was I now smoking (this woman I had feelings for smoked and I picked up the habit to impress her) but I was also claiming to be a lesbian. James' outcry to the elders called for an immediate meeting with 2 elders to discuss the claims James was making. During the meeting I denied being a lesbian (feelings for a woman did not equate to me being a lesbian yet) but I did tell them I had started to smoke. This whole smoking thing was a way for me to get out of the church. I held onto that and within 8 months I was disfellowshipped for smoking cigarettes and my ex husband had moved out and suddenly I was on my own for the first time in my life. 

It amazes me how quickly Jehovah's Witnesses can turn their love and affection on and off. A few years ago I confronted the elders at my local congregation in Kansas City and they still denied that they shun people that are disfellowshipped. Not sure how they can continue to deny they shun members when there are millions of examples right in front of their eyes. 

I sure do love all this writing that I have been doing. I keep telling myself that I would love to write a memoir or maybe even a fictional book based off my life. I am working on my motivation to write more and to share more because this heart of mine has so many untold stories!