Slowly but surely I have been backing away from religion and all that comes with religion for the last 11 years. For the first 30 years of my life, the religion my adoptive mom chose for herself was what I was forced to eat, swallow and digest every single day of my life. Now when someone starts waving anything religious in front of me, I immediately back away and most times will back away and there are times when my response makes people back away from me. Anyone that really knows and loves me, knows that religion is a very touchy subject for me and it really is best to leave me out of anything related to religion.
For the first 30 years of my life I was forced to go to church 3 times a week and then on Saturdays (or any other day you didn't have to go to work/school) I was forced to go out in the "field ministry" to preach about the religion my adoptive mom was trying to force down my throat. When I was younger I was extremely shy so going to strangers doors for hours on Saturday mornings were torture for me. I was so jealous of my friends that were home watching cartoons while I was out knocking on strangers doors. I hated having to speak to strangers about something that I didn't believe in and something that I really didn't understand. It's weird because as much time as I spent in church learning about the bible and what god expects out of me, the whole idea of Jehovah's Witnesses was confusing to me and it never made sense what they were saying.
There were several times in my life where I really put forth an effort to be a good Jehovah's Witnesses. In June 1990 I was baptized as a Jehovah's Witnesses (I was 17); which really is a blood oath that you will forever be faithful to the church and do everything possible to spread the "truth". That summer I was baptized I auxiliary pioneered for one month. Being an auxiliary pioneer means I have committed to putting in 60 hours of knocking on doors for a one month period. I teamed up with my cousin Jill and we did out best that August to reach 60 hours and hopefully changes some people's hearts and convert them. I did neither. I think I made it to 56 hours and I ended up having to explain to the elders why I was 4 hours short. I hated that whenever there was a moral question my adoptive mom would always tell me to call the elders.
It was all controlled and when you did not meet their expectations, you were forced to explain to the elders why you did not meet your commitments. Once I was out of my parents house and able to have a little bit more say in what I did, I learned to lie about going out in the field ministry. Every baptized member of the church is expected to get at least 1 hour a month of preaching the good news. Once I was on my own I learned that it was very easy to lie about being out in field service and finally one day I decided I didn't want to do it anymore...and I didn't. But I continued to turn in my field service report every month with all made up numbers.
It took me twice to remove myself totally from the church; which also meant total detachment to my family. I knew that once I was kicked out of the church (disfellowshipped) my family would only talk to me if I came back the church. It's hard removing yourself from a cult, especially when your whole family and everything you have known is attached to that church. But here I am 11 years later and I feel I am stronger than ever.
But one area that I is still such a personal struggle for me is the idea of organized religion and an organization telling me what to do. I think this is why I could never be part of another church again..I don't want to be controlled.
Yes, it's been 11 years since I left the church and even though I spent my first 30 years inside a church for hours each week, I think my relationship with God is just now getting started.
And I don't need religion to have God in my life.
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