More on adoption

My transition back to the real world has been delayed until next week. Due to an infection at the incision site I am back to staying off my feet for another week. I did manage to work one day on Monday but by the middle of the day I noticed the incision site was not looking great. I called the dr and he wanted me to come by to look at it. One look and he said I had an infection starting. I had planned on going to work the next day but my foot got worse on Monday night and after speaking with my dr we decided I needed more time off to allow this to heal. I think what happened was when the stitches were coming out this one spot was not ready. When the stitch was removed it hurt like hell and I knew something was not right. Looks like I was right.

I have watched so much tv since I have been off work and last night I happened to catch an episode of Intervention. It has been probably 5 years since I have watched that show. I loved it when it first came out but when this show came out I was at a bad time in my life and I guess I enjoyed the company of other people that were miserable. Once things got better and I became happier, I stopped watching the show because it really depressed me. Well, last night there was nothing on tv and I started watching an episode. This episode was so interesting and I heard a message that I really needed to hear again and to be reminded about.

In this episode a woman was struggling with addiction and one of her issues was the fact that she was adopted. When she went looking for her birth mom the only response she got from her was, I didn't want you then and I don't want you know.  Wow oh wow. I can't imagine searching for my birth mom and then getting a response like this. It would break my heart and certainly devastate me if my birth mom had said that to me.

Ever since I was 18 I have wanted to look for my birth mom. When I was in high school we had to write a paper that discussed the pros and cons of a whatever subject we wanted to talk about and the subject I chose was whether or not to look for my birth mom. When I talked to my adoptive mom about this paper she instantly became very upset. She was so upset that I would want to look for my "real" mom and that I would abandon her.

Anyone that is adopted has the same questions...Where did I come from? Why was I placed up for adoption? What is my background? I was no different and it's sad that my adoptive mom could not be supportive of me to find answers to those questions I had.  I wish I had that high school paper because I don't remember one thing I wrote about in it and I would love to see what my conclusion was. I am thinking that I did the normal thing teenage Caroline did and smoothed things over, pushed my feelings aside and made my adoptive mom happy.

And here is a big BUT with everything I just wrote.....

Everything happens when it's suppose to and I know for a fact that if I had searched for my birth mom when I was 18 it would not have been a good time for either my birth mom or birth dad. I am thankful that it never worked out that I found my birth mom back then (even though she was only 10 minutes away from me) because 2013 was the exact moment we were suppose to be reunited and brought back into each others lives.  Kind of sucks that instead of 10 minutes from her I am now 600 miles from her.

I will never forget that first call with my cousin S and hearing that Yes, my birth mom wants to meet me and have me in her life again. For so many years I was afraid to look for my birth family for fear that I would be rejected again. And when I realized I was gay and lost my adoptive family, I was even more fearful of finding them and being rejected. It was such a big relief when I asked my cousin if my birth mom would have an issue with me being gay and she said, no way.

The acceptance I have received from my birth mom's side of the family and a few from my birth dad is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. It is such a good feeling knowing that the woman that created me loves me no matter what. Sadly, I never felt that way with my adoptive mom. I always felt like the love she had for me was conditional and I guess in the end I was right. She loved me as long as I did what she thought I should do. Once I started thinking on my own, her love was quickly taken away.

It's a huge comfort knowing that I do have family that love me and will never leave me. At 42, I have never had that. I have never had a family member say, I love you unconditionally and exactly the way you are. After 42 years, I think it's finally my turn to have an accepting family.