Childless

When I was a little girl and for much of my life into my 20s all I really wanted to do was get married and have lots of kids. It's a family joke that when I was little and would play the game of Life with my cousins I would buy their kids so I could have as many kids as possible. My friends in high school thought for sure I would be the first one married and with kids. Yes, I was the first of my friends to get married, but the kids never came.

All of my life I have wished to have family members that look like me. And I think this was one of the reasons I really wanted kids...so I could have someone that looked like me. I could look at my cousins and see parts of their parents in them, but I never had that when I compared myself to my parents and brother. Being adopted can lead to a very lonely life. I know that I felt alone most of my life and felt that  no one understood me. I had no one around me that was also adopted and talking about being adopted with my adoptive parents was something that just didn't happen. I am so lucky that my parents did chose to tell me from the very beginning that I was adopted. Looking back on how they would speak about my birth mom and they were always so sweet about her and always told me that she loved me so much that she chose a family to raise me. They were always thankful for her and the wonderful gift she had given them. Knowing I was adopted always gave me a little bit of hope when things got really bad with my parents. I think it was that hope that helped me hang on when things got really tough and when I thought about ending my life. I always had hope that there was a family out there that really wanted me and loved me all along. It's a wonderful feeling knowing that I was right all along and I did have a family out there that was ready to welcome me back into their lives and their love.

Now that I am 42 I know that I will never have children. Sometimes the thought that I will never have a baby makes me so sad. There is so much that I will miss in life because I don't have children but then again my life is really good and I don't feel like I am missing anything. But I still wonder....what would my life look like if I did have children. If I had gotten pregnant when I was with my ex-husband I would have a 15-17 year old.  That thought alone puts me in a panic because I can't ever imagine being the mother to a teenager.

I am lucky because even though I don't have any children of my own, I have so many wonderful children and babies in my life through extended family. I love all of my nieces/nephews so much and maybe I was meant to be the fun cool aunt instead of a mommy. I love my role as an aunt and growing up my adoptive mom's sister was like a second mom to me and played an active role in everything in my life.

Through finding my birth family I found my Ant (it's not spelled wrong, that's how she likes to spell it) Sharron and she has been such a blessing to me and she has so much love to give me. We talk on a weekly basis (although we need to talk more on the phone) and she has given me so much information about my birth dad's side of the family. Just being with her I feel this strong connection to her and even though we have only known each other for a few years, I feel extremely close to her. I am so thankful for my ant and I hope my nieces/nephews will once feel the same way about me!

My sister Cheri, Ant Sharron and Me. It was about 1:30am when this photo was taken.