Earlier in the week I got a friend request from this guy I grew up with because we went to the same congregation. I actually had a huge crush on his younger brother and looking back now I can see how much of a nuisance I was. lol So, I get this friend request and this is someone that I was once friends with, but unfriended him because he had made some stupid comments about Nazi's or something like that. I also wasn't that impressed with what kind of life he was living...going out partying all the time, talking about what woman he was sleeping with on that day, etc. Part of me wanted to ignore the request, but the nosey part of me wanted to see what he was up to. Within a few minutes he sends me a private message and tells me how close he is to my (adoptive) brother. My response was something like....My brother hates me. This person says how he is going to talk to my (adoptive) brother because there is nothing more important than family. I wrote back...okay. This person (who is a man is his late 40's) then writes me and says that if it works out with my (adoptive) brother then I owe him a bj.
My first thought was shock that he had just written this to me. I immediately thought about how all women have to put up with so much sexual crap from men in all directions. What a sad world we live in. And I don't want to bring politics up, but he is a rabid Trump supporter. I guess if his president talks to and about women like that, it's okay for him to say whatever he wants to me.
A few minutes later I got a message saying...Nope your brother is still pretty mad at you.
Not surprised and after reading this message I really didn't care. But it did get me thinking about what I did to deserve such coldness and hatefulness from my family, but especially my (adoptive) brother. Maybe it was one of these things.....
*Maybe he is mad at me because he was so horrible to me as a child. Maybe it's because he hit me every day that ended in the letter Y, maybe it was the sexual abuse I endured for 2 years, or maybe it was because he made me get naked in front of his friends.
*Maybe it was because he stole my very first checkbook and cashed so many checks that the bank told me I was too high risk because of my brother and they were closing my account. I was 16.
*Maybe he can't bear the fact that he called me every dirty name in the book, most of them in front of his friends or in public.
*Maybe it because I was forced to allow him to come into my home when I was 27 because no one else in the family trusted him in their home. It didn't take long for him to steal from me, including my wedding ring and my video camera.
*Maybe it was because he has shouted and screamed at me so many times how much he hates and detests me; how I am a disgusting person that doesn't deserve shit. (actual quotes from him)
*Maybe it's because I took him and his wife and young child in so many times I lost count. This was usually when all other bridges were burned down.
*Maybe it was all the love I gave his children and how much I loved and cared for them while he was out getting fucked up on alcohol and cocaine.
I am happy because I am at the point where I really don't care if I speak to my brother and his wife ever again. They have 3 teenagers and I would love to one day see them, but I am not going to hold my breathe. Twelve years ago when I lost the family I was devastated and felt so alone, but I have build up a really nice family in the last 12 years and there comes a time in your life that no matter what a person has to offer you, you don't want it and it's not worth it.
Last May I had the chance to go into the house I lived from ages 12-22. It had been since 2004 since I had been in there and I was anxious to see how things had changed. Much to my surprise so much of the house was exactly the same, but just 12 years older. Like, I think the same pot for some of the indoor plants were the same one from 12 years sgo. It was kind of like things were frozen in time and the only thing that had changed was time.
But things had changed and the home that was once my safe haven in the world, now felt completely cold and a place that I didn't want to stay long. When I was cut off from the family I really missed my parents house. I used to just drop by and walk in the front door without knocking and it was always going to be home. For a couple years after I was disfellowshipped I would drive by the house and see my parents in the window and cry because I just wanted to be part of the family again.
Some things are meant to stay in the past. I have learned this a couple times with friending people on Facebook. Life is always changing and when someone from your past comes into your life, sometimes they no longer fit in your life and aren't suppose to be back in your life and it's okay to not bring them along for your future.
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