When I left the church and was disfellowshipped it suddenly put my Dad in a really bad place. He had to chose between peace between his wife and himself and his daughter. At it seems to be in my life, he did not chose me and has stood by my Mom since the day I was disfellowshipped. When I was living in KC I would go years between seeing him or sometimes even talking to him. I remember being at work one day when I was still in KC and seeing him drive past and hating that seeing him didn't even matter. The bottom line is, I didn't matter to them anymore. No one in my family has tried to contact me since I left in 2004 and it's been me always trying to make contact, most of the time to no avail.
If I didn't call my Dad I would probably never hear from him. About every couple of months I will get a text message from him telling me about a program on tv, but he never asks how I am doing. When we do talk on the phone he does all the talking and I just listen to the hell that he is currently living in. I still don't matter to him and no mater how hard I try, realizing this breaks my heart every time.
I called my Dad last night and he immediately acted like he couldn't talk and I asked him if this was a good time to talk and he said....it never is. We talked for about 20 seconds and he said that he might have time to talk tomorrow. Naturally, I did not hear from him today and I probably won't until I try to make contact again.
I have such a fear of rejection and I know that it all started with being adopted. I remember being 8-9 and knowing I was adopted and I wondered why my birth mom didn't want me. Those feelings are hard to face when you are such a small kid and no one to really talk about these feeling I was having.
Coming out as gay was a huge amount of rejection for me. Literally every single person that was a part of my life suddenly was not there and in fact were being told from the church that I was an evil person and to avoid me at all costs and if they did talk to me they would be in trouble.
With bad there is also so much good that has been in my life. I have also learned how resilient I have been through everything. 2007 was a year of so much change. My relationship of 3 years had ended and for the first time in my life I really didn't have anyone in my life. At the time of the break up I was not working, so I couldn't even depend upon co-workers for support. The family I had for the past 3 years was lost in the break-up and it was a rough few weeks after the break up. A few months after the break up I got a tattoo of a dragonfly with the number 7 in the design. The dragonfly was because well, I love dragonflies and it was a symbol of strength for me. I knew 2007 was going to be a tough year and I knew I was in the unique place of completely starting over and doing what I wanted for the first time in my life.
Since 2007 I have made some big mistakes, cried many tears and loved more then I was loved, but I survived and transformed into the person I see in the mirror today.
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