Living with a bully

At 3 days old I was adopted and placed with my adoptive parents. Two years prior to that they had adopted my brother who from an early age displayed many emotional and mental health problems. My parents described me as an easy baby and bragged that I was sleeping through the night at 2 weeks old...with the help of some rice cereal added to my formula. One of the first stories I remember hearing about my homecoming was the fact that when my 2 year old brother came over to meet me he took the bottle out of my mouth and hit me over the head with it. Everyone kind of laughs about it, but I remember thinking at an early age that he was crazy even back then.

All throughout my childhood my brother was a bully to me and made my life really hard and at times even physically painful. I always felt that I was his own personal punching bag and whenever he was mad or upset (usually at our parents) he would just randomly hit me when no one was looking. When I would say something to my parents about him hitting me, they would tell me to get along with him and to stop fighting. When I was 11 my parents pulled me aside and told me that when my brother starts hitting me, I need to fight him back and all I want for them to do is to say they will make him stop. A few minutes after this conversation my brother walks in the room and I punch him in the face with my right fist. Everyone was shocked and no one could believe I punched him just because he walked in the room.  I guess I missed the part where they said....the next time he tries to hit you.

At the time I punched him I was in the middle of my only real grown spurt and for a few months I was taller than him, so I think that gave me a little bit more confidence. After that he got real tall quick and it became harder and harder to avoid him.

My parents knew he had issues and I didn't learn until I was in the my late 20's but they eventually found out information about his birth mom and and there is a reason he is the way he is. As much as he has hurt me, there is a part of me that feels sorry for him because he didn't have a great beginning to his life and his struggles in life are real and partially not all his fault.

I believe in the thinking that all of our experiences throughout life make us exactly who we are at this moment and I know that all the struggles that I have had in the past have lead me exactly where I am right now. All those tears, struggles, lonely years were worth it because  on those days when I wanted to give up I hung on to the thought that one day it would be better. What I have in my life today is more beautiful than anything I could have imagined for myself. There's more love in my life than I ever thought I deserved and with the help of D I am realizing I always deserved this much love.

A sad story can turn into something so much better.  And my story keep getting better.

And now for one of the best pictures ever taken of me as a child!

What's wrong Jimmy??

Having strength

My relationship with my adoptive Dad is so weird right now. My Dad was studying to become a Jehovah's Witness when I was young and I only have one memory of my Dad at Kingdom Hall when I was around 3-4. He decided in the late 70s that he did not agree with the teachings of the church so he stopped attending any meetings (that's what church services are called) and my Mom was in charge of our spiritual upbringing.

When I left the church and was disfellowshipped it suddenly put my Dad in a really bad place. He had to chose between peace between his wife and himself and his daughter. At it seems to be in my life, he did not chose me and  has stood by my Mom since the day I was disfellowshipped. When I was living in KC I would go years between seeing him or sometimes even talking to him. I remember being at work one day when I was still in KC and seeing him drive past and hating that seeing him didn't even matter. The bottom line is, I didn't matter to them anymore. No one in my family has tried to contact me since I left in 2004 and it's been me always trying to make contact, most of the time to no avail.

If I didn't call my Dad I would probably never hear from him. About every couple of months I will get a text message from him telling me about a program on tv, but he never asks how I am doing. When we do talk on the phone he does all the talking and I just listen to the hell that he is currently living in. I still don't matter to him and no mater how hard I try, realizing this breaks my heart every time.

I called my Dad last night and he immediately acted like he couldn't talk and I asked him if this was a good time to talk and he said....it never is. We talked for about 20 seconds and he said that he might have time to talk tomorrow. Naturally, I did not hear from him today and I probably won't until I try to make contact again.

I have such a fear of rejection and I know that it all started with being adopted. I remember being 8-9 and knowing I was adopted and I wondered why my birth mom didn't want me. Those feelings are hard to face when you are such a small kid and no one to really talk about these feeling I was having.

Coming out as gay was a huge amount of rejection for me. Literally every single person that was a part of my life suddenly was not there and in fact were being told from the church that I was an evil person and to avoid me at all costs and if they did talk to me they would be in trouble.

With bad there is also so much good that has been in my life. I have also learned how resilient I have been through everything. 2007 was a year of so much change. My relationship of 3 years had ended and for the first time in my life I really didn't have anyone in my life. At the time of the break up I was not working, so I couldn't even depend upon co-workers for support. The family I had for the past 3 years was lost in the break-up and it was a rough few weeks after the break up. A few months after the break up I got a tattoo of a dragonfly with the number 7 in the design. The dragonfly was because well, I love dragonflies and it was a symbol of strength for me. I knew 2007 was going to be a tough year and I knew I was in the unique place of completely starting over and doing what I wanted for the first time in my life.

Since 2007 I have made some big mistakes, cried many tears and loved more then I was loved, but I survived and transformed into the person I see in the mirror today.

Taking Flight

I don't know why, but I am afraid to blog. I have been thinking about it a lot lately (blogging) and I realized that I am fearful of sharing too much. My blog has always been a place for me to write and share some of the things I have struggled with in the past (and some current) and I guess I just don't know how much is "sharing too much". I think I have a pretty incredible story and I know there were many people that loved reading what I wrote. The internet is a big and scary place and even though I am not ashamed of my past or what I have gone through, sometimes I just don't know.

 I have been reading lately and I feel like I had somehow gotten into the lazy brain mode. I wasn't writing and I wasn't reading for fun. I have always blamed going to graduate school for the reason I stopped reading for pleasure but it's been 12 years since I got my masters (wow!) and I need to retrain my brain to read when I am bored instead of picking up my computer or phone or watching tv. All of the reading I have been doing lately have really motivated me to want to start writing again.

 Right about now is when my fear of sharing this blog with everyone starts, but tonight I am going to be brave and just hit publish!

See you soon.